Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I Missed the Meteor Shower

   When did it happen? It should have been a big news event. Perhaps it was and like a bug that makes his home under a rock, I missed it. Surely it would have been news for more than one day? I mean, meteors don’t fall from the sky everyday and certainly don’t confine themselves to a single city. Worse still, when I ask about it...nobody seems to know what I’m talking about. I mean, all these giant holes and craters just appear in the street overnight, and nobody can tell me when it happened? What happened to all the meteors for that matter? Did someone come and collect them all? Will they come back with a crane to get my car out of the hole they left behind? So many few answers. 

   I couldn’t help but notice that I missed a major event when my car upended in a gigantic hole in the road. The impact rattled my teeth and I swear I left the entire front end of my car in the middle of the road. I did...but noticed the vertical position of my car was of paramount importance. I know what you’re thinking...”What the heck was he into?” but I’m telling you...calling this phenomenon a “pothole” just doesn’t begin to describe the hell this hole was.

   As bad as my ordeal was, it pale’s in comparison to the fact that there are about fifty more holes just like this one on a two mile stretch of road! Naturally I assumed I missed a meteor shower. What else could possibly leave such craters in the road? What else could make holes so big that tow trucks line up on the side of the road...waiting for your call? Try to convince me something other than meteors caused this...I dare you.

   The ridiculousness of all of this is staggering. You’d figure after years of the same situation happening, there would be some sort of preparation for it. Instead, the road looks like a war zone, and beats your car up like Batman in a room full of vicious thugs. These things aren’t “potholes”...they’re car killers. 

   The worst one I ever saw...was the one I never saw. Getting my son ready for his road test, he came over a speed bump a hair too quickly...and seeing it was experiencing it. It happened that fast, as it was positioned right at the base of the bump. Boom!...and I was in the open air. It was like a cartoon where the car disappears, and the characters keep going forward. Granted I’m exaggerating, but busting axels, tie-rods and bending rims is no joke. These days you have to keep a crane on retainer...or at least a tow truck.

   Naturally, if meteors aren’t falling on our roadways (and I haven’t been convinced yet that they aren’t), then what causes potholes? Google this question and you’ll get many answer sites. The simplest answer I found was this:

Cold weather definitely plays a factor in pothole proliferation. According to a recent Chicago Tribune article, “It's basic physics. Water collects under roadways, freezes and expands, weakening the pavement above. After the water dissipates, a void is left, and the roadway collapses under traffic.”

   I’d like to officially dispute that, given the fact that some of the holes I’ve seen couldn’t possibly be made by a vehicle, since they’re so big, the vehicle would still be in it! Perhaps they have that crane service on retainer I mentioned earlier? I think I just need to move to a warmer climate...where meteors don’t seem to fall as much on the roads.

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