The Anatomy of the Fart

   Yes, you read the title correctly so stop reading now if you’re not up to this discussion. Before you go though, just remember...you are not above this, everybody does it and contrary to that voice in your head, you do not produce the sweet smell of roses.

   Everybody, or should I say, every body passes gas at some point. The only thing that separates us is our reaction to this and/or our intentions before doing this. I would guess that most people are embarrassed when the deed is done within nose shot of other people. I say guess because I know some really unique individuals that don’t have an embarrassed cell in their body and happen to always be within nose shot of others when tragedy strikes. That being said, I have observed some very acute differences between men and women in regards to this subject.

   Women seem to be always embarrassed by this subject...unless they’re getting revenge. Men seem to never be embarrassed by this subject...and yet also use it as a means of vengeance. Men, though, also use it as a source of entertainment...but more on that later. So why does anyone get embarrassed by a perfectly normal function of the human body? It’s natural and necessary...and can be very detrimental if not done (although I’d argue...and am, that it’s certainly detrimental to a sound mind). I think most don’t want to be associated with the source of such a huge degree of discomfort and, at times, complete outrage. I’ve seen fights erupt behind (heh) this and probably justifiably so. Think for a moment of all the situations you have been in...or could have been in when, as I said before, tragedy struck. It’s not funny...or is it?

   We’ve all seen some sort of comedy involving the fart and most of us have found something funny in a comedy skit, show or cartoon wherein we chuckle at the loud expelling of the nauseous air. A lady bends over on some You Tube video in a crowded bank and accidentally rips one...we sit at home laughing as we watch it...funny. Stuck in a crowded train that stalls in between stops when the deed is done...not funny. On a crowded elevator in a high rise that starts its stops at the twenty-fifth floor and the compartment is flooded with human nerve agent by floor three...not funny. Enthralled by a great movie at your favorite theater on a Friday night when a human sewer pipe is vacated...not funny. Speeding down the highway in a crowded car and the driver decides to engage the window locks as the anal toxin takes years off your life...pure evil. Enjoying a late meal that has been the only meal of the day and is one of your favorite dishes when the invisible billy goat throws up and permeates your culinary joy...time to fight.

   A person of some moral decency would be assaulted by shame to be the source in any of the above examples...but there are deviants among us that not only flush shame down the toilet (and just shame it seems), but actually take great joy in the olfactory agony of others. He (and I should note that I have never seen a woman play this role outside of revenge) will be the one sitting in the corner...with tears in his eyes...from intense laughter. He is the one suppressing snorts and giggles on the elevator. He is the one sitting behind you in the theater quietly cracking up as you start cussing. He is the one driving. He is the one headed to the hospital with a fork in his ass because he forgot that messing with a person’s food is punishable with violence. You might think all this extreme...or you might have some horror stories of your own, either way there is nobody reading this that has gone through life untouched by the gas of another.

   It seems the delivery is a large part of our programed reaction. Hear a loud whoopee cushion sound and everyone starts looking around with anticipation and possible laughter at the culprit. Here nothing but think to yourself “good God, how can any smell like that exist” as your first encounter...and it’s a different experience altogether. The “silent but deadly” approach is the preferred method of a planned attack by the deviants among us and although all of us are capable of quiet devastation, most of us manipulate the situation to afford us some solitude before we suicide ourselves by intestinal gas. Yes...it always makes us take note when we cannot stand our own intestinal potion. I’m just writing about what nobody has the...stomach, to admit.

   We are all human and I’ll be the first to embrace our humanity. I’ll also be an avid supporter of imposing a fine for natural gaseous acts of personal terrorism. So if they ever introduce the bill, remember you heard it here first. If you’re reading this and happen to be one of the deviants I spoke about...seek help. Rectal gas isn’t a toy and the noses on our faces were not put there for your personal amusement. 

If anyone found any part of this post funny...report yourself to the proper authorities...you’re human.